PROOF THAT MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS ni WOMAN DIDN'T CCME HOME ONE NIGHT AND THE NEXT MORNING SHE TOLD HER HUSBAND THAT SHE HAD SLEPT OVER AT A 1-RlEND'S HOUSE THE MAN CALLED HIS WIFE'S TEN BEST FRIENDS. NONE OF THEM KNEW ANyTHING ABOUT IT A MAN DIDN'T COME HOME ONE NIGHT THE NEXT MORNING HE TOLD HIS WIFE THAT HE HAD SLEPT OVER AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE THE WOMAN CALLED HER HUSBAND'S TEN BEST FRIENDS EIGHT CONFIRMED THAT HE HAD SLEPT OVER. AND TWO SAID F£ WAS STILL THERE
THE METROPOLITAN POLICE HAVE FINALLy ADMITTED THEIR MISTAKE IN SHOOTING JEAN CHARLES DE MENEZ • APPARENT THEy WERE AFTER HIS NAUGHTy YOUNGER BROTHER DENNIS
A man and wife were having dinner at a top class restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman walked across to their table, gave the husband a big kiss and said she will see him later.
The wife glared at her husband and demanded, 'Who was that?'
'Oh% replied the husband, 'she is my mistress*.
'What?' said the wife. 'That is the last straw. I want a divorce.'
'I can understand that', said the husband, 'but remember, if we get divorced it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris. No more winter holidays in Barbados, no more summer holidays in Tuscany, no more swimming pool or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club, but the decision is yours*.
Just then a mutual friend walked in with a gorgeous female on his arm. 'Who is that woman with Jim?' asked the wife.
'That's his mistress* said the husband.
'Ours is prettier* said the wife.
A man owned a small farm in Kansas. The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff a nd sent a representative out to interview
THE CREDIT CRUNCH HAS HIT NEW DEPTHS - IT HAS BEEN RUMOURED THAT MARRIED WOMEN ARE HAVING SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS IT SEEMS THEy CANT AFFORD BATTERIES
"rim.'l needalistofyouremployees and how much you pay them', demanded the rep.
'Well', replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $500 c week plus free room and board and le also gets triple tirre for working on a Sunday and a case of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday.
Tl ie tuck I idb beei 11ler e fur eighteen months, and I pay her $400 oer week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I orovide satellite television for free in nerroom.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours 3 day everyday and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
That's the guy I want to talk to the nalf-wif says the agent.
That would be me' replied the farmer.
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad' he says, 'you won*t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog OP Blue how to talk*.
OP Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2000' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $2000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's OP Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! Howdo we get OP Blue in that program?'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem - at the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read - so he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's OP Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, OP Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still f%(®kingthat little redhead barmaid at the pub?'
The father groans and whispers,'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your MotherP
The kid went on to be a succcssful lawyer.
A Shetland coupleare walking out of the divorce court,and the wife is crying her heart out.
The husband says 'Oh for fuck's sakestopcrying,you're still my sister'.
I was depressed last night, so I rang Lifeline. I got a call centre in Afghanistan and told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A Norfolkfarmergot in his pick-up and drove to a neighbouringfarm and knocked atthe door. Ayoung boy,about 9,openec the door.
'Isyou Dad home?'the farmer asked
'No si", he isn't'the boy replied. 'He went into town.
'Isyour Mother here?'
'No si", she's not here either.She went into town with Dad.'
'Howaboutyour brother, Howard? Is he here?'
The farm e r stood the re f o r a few minutes shiftingfrom onefoo:to the other and mumblingto himself.
'Is there anything I can do foryoui'the boy asked politely'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one or maybe could take a message for Dad?
'Well'.said the farmer uncomfortably,'I really wantec to talk tcyour Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.'You would have to talk to Dad about thaf, he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that he charges €500 for the bull and £50 for the dog but I really don't know how much he gets "or Howard'
On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out* and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes', he informs the couple, 'you CAN get married in Heaven'.
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams hisclipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH,COME ON!!'St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
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