Motorcycle Seat Retrimming Specialists

• Custom-made seats/heigh; reductions • Embroidery service available • Stitched patterns/logos • Wide selection of materials • Leathers, vinyls, suedes, exotic skins etc

Contact Mark 01384 834282 or mobile 07956 370353

ABOUT LAURIE. Laurie has been with \oo% Biker almost since day one and is our resident in-house philosopher. Healso has one of the most impressive moustaches known to modern man!

so it's just done it again - any minute now and I'll burn the computer!)

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, increasingly apoplexic at the way the Yanks are corrupting the language that we use to describe our bikes and lifestyle. Previously I'd always been happy with 'chopper' as it describes cutting surplus parts from a standard bike. I also accepted 'sissy bar' as 'sissy' was used in its traditional sense (I'd also accept 'Softy Walter bar' but the Yanks don't read the Beano - which probably explains a lot!) and 'back rest' has connotations of helplessness and infirmity - you might as well fit a 'Shackeltons High-Seat Chair' to your chop and accelerate at 20mph straight to the geriatrics' home. I'd even forgiven people for using the word 'muffler' instead of'silencer' - a muffler's something around your neck and, if pulled tight by a passing strangler, reduces the amount of sound you can make -but I've never been happy with 'fender' as it originally meant the wooden or rubber blocks (or old tyres) hanging from the side of boats to protect them from minor bumps and so I've always thought that anyone who was relying on mudguards to protect them from minor bumps would be far better riding slower or driving a tank! Mudguards actually do what the name implies - keeping some of the shite (the 'e' on the end is the correct Anglo Saxon spelling, by the way) off the bike and rider.

And what about 'metric cruiser'? Does it divide into ten or do you need to collect ten of them to make one good bike? Actually that one has some merit... Why not Japanese bike, though, or even Jap crap?

But recently I've read some new phrases that make me homicidal. How do you fancy riding 'bitch style'? That means giving a pillion ride to a male companion - it's meant to be an insult but, knowing how some bitches I've known ride, it's actually quite a compliment. Then there's 'assed down' and 'assed up' which are so silly I can't even make a joke about them - they mean sitting on die bike and riding off, then stopping and dismounting!

Up until now I've just about tolerated these differences as there are more important things in life to worry about. Very few British bikers use them in normal speech and, when they do, they tend to sound laughably ridiculous - try saying in any British regional accent, 'Hey dude, gonna take a righteous ride on my mutha of a hawg with | the mufflers removed an' cruise the strip to Sainsbury's'. See what I mean?

The list goes on, but for now I'm speechless so I'll save the last words about the Americans to the Bard himself, 'They have been at a great feast of languages, and stol'n the scraps'.

P.S. Correction - last month I gave the wrong address for those who wish to contribute to Fran's charity appeal (which is why I'm now walking funny). It should be www.justgiving.com/Fran-Boxer | but it also works as .co.uk

ABOUT LAURIE. Laurie has been with \oo% Biker almost since day one and is our resident in-house philosopher. Healso has one of the most impressive moustaches known to modern man!

Churchill described the difference between us and Americans like that but, nowadays, we've even less in common linguistically.

We've all become accustomed to stroppy kids (girls especially) saying, 'Yeah, yeah, like whatever' which means, "I'm not listening because quite frankly it's embarrassing to admit you're my parent and though I'm saying 'yeah,' I mean 'no, sod off you old git'. And why are good experiences described as mistreating donkeys or 'kick ass?' Yanks can't spell 'arse' (a great Anglo Saxon word) and they pronounce it 'ass' meaning donkey! Words and phrases like this come from films and TV, but more damage is being wrought by Bill Gates in the form of his bloody spelling and grammar checker - it's been through what I've just written and underlined three phrases in green and several words in red that I know to be right... or would it prefer 'write', 'wright' or even 'rite'? I get increasingly apoplexic (it's just underlined that too, which makes me more apoplexic and a muffler's something around your neck and, if pulled tight by a passing strangler, reduces the amount of sound you can make

Alter tea yam ol success with Hoed Jeans. Its still comments like store that mean the most to us.

moiorcyei* leoni

90mph slide until rtarionnrv 'no impact), couple of rolls near the end.

Huffy and a hit grubby - would

^good to £o exactly thc^me

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