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Take A Look At What's

Take A Look At What's

Thinking about a cruise, think again; Mark Madoff went on his own trip this month; Wiki not the only thing leaking; and too much snow in Minnesota. Christmas is just around the corner, the bills are up my ass and there isn't enough bourbon in the world to get me through this holiday. While I talk to Peggy from Capitol One, let's take a look at the news. Happy Timel

Hey planning on ^^^^^^^^^ going on a cruise; how about this instead? Fly to Pittsburgh, bring your ticket money, we'll beat the hell out of you for two days and send you home. Sounds about right when you consider the chances this same treatment might happen on any cruise liner today; let's just skip the middleman. I mean, what do you expect? The name is Carnival, right? How could it not be a freakin' circus?

In other things that are played out in three rings, Mark Madoff was in the news this past month for the sad end of his life just two years after his father was arrested for the largest Ponzi scheme in history. With his two-year-old son in the other room, Mark committed suicide by hanging himself. In the process of investigating his father's case, he along with his brother and their uncle Peter... wait, Peter Madoff? Are you kidding me? As if it's not bad enough that these cats have a last name that tells you exactly what they planned to do, now we find out that his Uncle's a dick. I'd hang myself too. Here's one word to help ease the^ pain of this terrible tragedy GUILTY!!!

And speaking of guilt, WikiLeaks... oh yeah, you know we gotta go there. Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks is in trouble again. This time, the now famous blabber mouth of the latest Deep Throat drama has been arrested in Great Britain for extradition to Sweden on rape charges. Now here's the funny shit. Apparently he didn't rape anyone. He was having consentual sex with a woman when his condom broke which apparently is a crime in Sweden. The whole thing is ridiculous but has been taking away focus on the fact that this man has been wielding the poison pen in a manner quite like a terrorist does a car bomb. In the end, I guess it proves that you can't [email protected]#king trust him no matter what dealings you have going on. When asked for a comment about this man, Benedict Arnold was reported as saying, "Really dude?"

Other not so surprising developments are coming in from Minnesota. After the Metro area around Minneapolis received 18 inches of snow, the eighth largest snowfall in their history, the roof of the Huber H. Humphrey Stadium collapsed. The inflatable roof, or dome as it is referred to, was reportedly gone from the city skyline one morning and people began to think something was wrong. Okay, you got to start wondering about a couple of things here. First off, does the cat who built this have good insurance? Second, are the spirits of great players and fans from the Vikings' history trying to send the living a signal of how they feel about Brett playing there? Third, did anyone ever think that the snow might get bad enough in Minnesota that a Hefty bag might not hold the weight? And last but certainly not least, does Brett Favre have as much pull as Jerry Jones when it comes to running a scam that would make sure he can get a game in? Either way you look at it, the Vikings get an extra Monday night game as the stadium has been rendered unusable.

Speaking of unusable, or in other words, worthless, how about the "Belt Bomber" in Sweden who prematurely combusted. Apparently, ten minutes before the blast, Swedish TV received e-mail letters criticizing Sweden for their political cartoons. Oh bullshit! Here's the deal Khadafi, get over it. You have to wonder, other than his ass, what was the last thing to go through the Belt Bomber's mind. I mean, they say you get 100 virgins for all eternity, but wait, this doesn't really qualify for martyrdom since the plan didn't work and the only person killed was the bomber himself. Does this mean that he'll spend eternity with a large jar of petroleum jelly and no place to wash up? Whoops, maybe they'll be after us next. SO WHAT! Come get some, get a helmet, kiss his ass, kiss my ass, Happy Hanukah!

No matter where you live today, a good laugh is only as far as the dumb-dumb box that they provide a constant stream through. Just sit back and let the media take over. It's your only defense against the feelings of utter helplessness. Until I can round up enough gas money for a ticket on the next cruise to some shithole third world resort land, grab your ankles Nancy, here comes the news.

OfiL!

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