Auntie

Giro d'ltalia 2011 route

AS SOON AS THE INSANELY DIFFICULT 2010 GIRO ENDED, ANGELO ZOMEGNAN WAS WORKING ON THE 2011 EDITION

May 9: Rest Day

There will be two rest days

— on the first and last days of race — meaning 23 consecutive days of racing without a break.

May 10: Prologue

The prologue time trial will be held on a giant sculpture in the form of a life-size crazy golf course. Riders can choose any route they like to the 'hole' and can ride up the ramps and through the narrow tunnels watching out for the obstacles on the way

— like the blades of a giant windmill!

May 13: Time trial

UCI officials will ensure that no bikes are fitted

May 18: 'Haven't we been up here before?'

with brakes for this break-neck plummet down the Poggio near San Remo. There will be time penalties for anyone who goes over the edge and damages a greenhouse.

May 18: Into the mountains

This 290-kilometre epic takes place on a 29 kilometre loop up and down the Gavia — that's 10 climbs of the famous mountain to tackle!

May 23: Whoa Nelly!

Stage 15 comes to an abrupt halt because the Italians haven't finished building the road yet. The winner will be the first person to scramble up the banking with their bike and not fall to their death.

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Broomwagon's resident agony aunt answers your questions about drugs and drug-related issues...

Dear Auntie,

I was earning a very nice living —120,000 Swiss francs a year (approx £72,000 or $110,000 US) — as a completely unknown domestique. Unfortunately, there was this really nice flat-screen HD TV and the new Mercedes S-Class I had my eye on, so I knew I had to earn more. I started doping, but only a little. I thought I was being very careful. Besides, I never thought I'd get caught because someone told me the UCI only catches the small fry — and I'm 5ft lOin.

Thomas, Switzerland

Auntie says: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. It's not really been your month, now — has it Thomas?

Dear Auntie,

I recently wrote an email to the authorities telling them what I know. Then, a few days later, I received a copy of a book in the mail. It's called The Bog Who Cried Wolf. It was a very amusing stOTy with some cracking illustrations, but I have no idea why it was sent to me. What's it all about?

Anon, USA

Auntie says: Here are a few other books for you to read: Pinocchio, Jack and the Beanstalk, Snow White and the Seven Domestiques. All very amusing.

Dear Auntie,

Did you hear the one about the motorised bike?

Power Fan, by email

Auntie says: I think you've been reading too many comics, Power Fan. Next you'll be suggesting there's some kind of sophisticated Europe-wide network of doping run by shady doctors! Ha-ha! [Snort!] As if. Haven't you seen the UCI's press-release?

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